Third times a charm...

I've been writing this post in my head over and over again. I can't seem to find exactly the right words but when I realized that there's only (shamefully) 4 people really reading this blog, I decided that I might need my safe haven again. I won't know until next Wed (as in Aug 29) but if I do, I don't want to excite you just to break your heart. I'll just let the photos tell you :)

 

How do I feel? Blessed, excited, terrified, nervous, excited, nauseous, tired, excited.  Why next Wed? That's my first ultrasound. They offered to do one earlier and I declined. Why? I can't change the outcome either way so why stress myself out? As the date gets closer I am more terrified and more nervous. I don't want to go through the same experience I had in 2007 but if that's what is going to happen, then I know I'll need a place for my thoughts/feelings. If all is well, I'm going to need a place for my thoughts/feelings and updates.

I have not posted anything on FB (nor will I for a while, so please don't you either) and have not told any of my friends. I can't find the right words and maybe I'm just not ready. Maybe I'm just too afraid that I may have to un-tell. Maybe I'm worried that people will think "omg, another one" as if I have 6 kids already. I don't want to face judgement this time. Let's face it, for Conner's pregnancy I was so afraid I was going to lose him. Then once I thought I was in the clear, I went into pre-term labor and was scared again. With Parker...well I was just freaking out. I think I spent a lot of his pregnancy in denial. I already had a baby (for real). This time, I'm EXCITED. I don't want to tarnish that by telling or having people judge me (as if it's any of their business anyway). I don't want to let anyone down if this pregnancy doesn't end with a baby. I know what you're thinking "what a terrible mentality". Maybe but I already told everyone once and went to that ultrasound appt to find out that the pregnancy was not viable; that baby had no heartbeat. Devastation. that's what it was/is. I'm sure your first thought is OMG (mine too!) and your second...wonder if she wants a girl. Nope, don't care; I just want a healthy baby, because really, that's all that matters.