October 15

Today is October 15;It’s Pregnancy Loss Remembrance Day.

 I don't speak of my miscarriage very often and honesty, it is something that I have tried very hard to not let define me as a person. Did it change me, yes; how could it not? However, without that loss, I would not have the two kids I do now. It was a horrible time for me; people, FAMILY members, said some really horrible things to me. My husband was wonderful though the whole thing. It was right before Christmas. We were so excited to see our baby on the ultrasound machine; I was 9.5 weeks and had no complications (spotting) to indicate that anything was wrong. Then we get that news...no heartbeat and baby measuring 3 weeks behind. devastating. The only thing I regret about the whole thing was not getting an additional ultrasound. It probably would not have mattered or changed the outcome but that was always in the back of my mind.I chose, what I thought, the easy way. Take a pill and it would be over. Mistake. I wound up missing more work 10 days later to have a d&c done. The D&C...easy; that was the easiest part. For Christmas that year, I received maternity clothes....from people who knew what had happened. like I really wanted them. It sucked. It's the reason I started this blog and I have 2 beautiful healthy boys; for that I'm thankful. 

On this day, at 7 p.m. your time, grieving families light a candle for their babies lost to miscarriage, stillbirth, or early perinatal death for one hour. As each time zone extinguishes their candles, the next one will light theirs, creating the continuous Wave of Light across the world. Please light a candle tonight for the many many families that have experienced a miscarriage, still born or infant loss.

>wow

>I was going to blog about how Conner nursed 8 times between 11-7 but then I decided to clean out my email...

I decided that I'd clean out my inbox this morning. I haven't cleaned my email up in a while so I started with the oldest. It seems that I saved the replies that people sent me right after my miscarriage. That seems so long ago. 12/11/2007. It's a day I won't forget but don't necessarily want to remember either. I had forgotten exactly how supportive people are/were.

Now, I sit here and look at my angel. He's roaring and playing. He's perfect for us and I can't imagine my life without him (even though I'm beyond exhausted b/c he won't sleep). When people say that things happen for a reason, it's true; even if it's not something that I wanted to hear at any particular time. That comment didn't help me but it is true. I wouldn't trade Conner for anything in the entire world. He has just started scrunching up his whole face to smile at me and honestly, there is nothing better! Now, I just have to get a picture of him doing that. Believe me, I've been trying!

In other news, we leave for the beach today. I can't wait to see my family and chill out with the sand and waves. I also can't wait to see Conner's reaction to the sand and waves. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I think that Josh needs to get away as much as I do. Now, I just have to finish packing! :)

wow

I was going to blog about how Conner nursed 8 times between 11-7 but then I decided to clean out my email...

I decided that I'd clean out my inbox this morning. I haven't cleaned my email up in a while so I started with the oldest. It seems that I saved the replies that people sent me right after my miscarriage. That seems so long ago. 12/11/2007. It's a day I won't forget but don't necessarily want to remember either. I had forgotten exactly how supportive people are/were.

Now, I sit here and look at my angel. He's roaring and playing. He's perfect for us and I can't imagine my life without him (even though I'm beyond exhausted b/c he won't sleep). When people say that things happen for a reason, it's true; even if it's not something that I wanted to hear at any particular time. That comment didn't help me but it is true. I wouldn't trade Conner for anything in the entire world. He has just started scrunching up his whole face to smile at me and honestly, there is nothing better! Now, I just have to get a picture of him doing that. Believe me, I've been trying!

In other news, we leave for the beach today. I can't wait to see my family and chill out with the sand and waves. I also can't wait to see Conner's reaction to the sand and waves. I'm really looking forward to this trip. I think that Josh needs to get away as much as I do. Now, I just have to finish packing! :)

>I guess I'm bored today...

>I changed my blog, took a new self portrait and then I did something I've not done before. I went back to the first post. I started my blog Jan. 3. This was almost one month after we discovered my missed m/c. It's crazy what life hands us and how we handle it. I will never be the same. That's OK with me...I think. I know that God does not give us things that we can't handle. I started reading. I cried. I cried not only for what I've gone through but how it changed me. I cried for the hurt that I still feel, for the people that go through the same thing; I cried for their hurt. I cried because I'm different. I can't say that I don't like myself, because that wouldn't be true. I've got a barrier now. It's larger than any other barrier I've ever had before. Part of me makes me wonder if that will ever be gone. It makes me cry, but I'm also so thankful. I'm thankful for this wiggly little boy that constantly kicks and rolls. I'm thankful that my m/c made my marriage stronger. I'm thankful that I have met amazing people throughout this process. I'm thankful that most days I do great, I don't have a care in the world. It's days when I'm bored that reflect and see those changes. I'm not as optimistic. That's a shame. I hope I get my optimism back. I think I need it. I want the glass to be half full and most days it is. I guess we all have days where the clouds are a little grayer.

I guess I'm bored today...

I changed my blog, took a new self portrait and then I did something I've not done before. I went back to the first post. I started my blog Jan. 3. This was almost one month after we discovered my missed m/c. It's crazy what life hands us and how we handle it. I will never be the same. That's OK with me...I think. I know that God does not give us things that we can't handle. I started reading. I cried. I cried not only for what I've gone through but how it changed me. I cried for the hurt that I still feel, for the people that go through the same thing; I cried for their hurt. I cried because I'm different. I can't say that I don't like myself, because that wouldn't be true. I've got a barrier now. It's larger than any other barrier I've ever had before. Part of me makes me wonder if that will ever be gone. It makes me cry, but I'm also so thankful. I'm thankful for this wiggly little boy that constantly kicks and rolls. I'm thankful that my m/c made my marriage stronger. I'm thankful that I have met amazing people throughout this process. I'm thankful that most days I do great, I don't have a care in the world. It's days when I'm bored that reflect and see those changes. I'm not as optimistic. That's a shame. I hope I get my optimism back. I think I need it. I want the glass to be half full and most days it is. I guess we all have days where the clouds are a little grayer.

>just when I thought I felt better

>We had a mandatory baby shower at work today..ugh. Just what I wanted. To top it off, I was expressing that I really didn't want to go to the shower. One of my team mates told me to just "get over it already". WTF. I can't be a little emotional over a baby shower now. Whatever. I couldn't wait to get home to run and do some toning exercises. That helped me to feel a little better.
Josh's dinner is calling my name. Gotta go tend to that.

just when I thought I felt better

We had a mandatory baby shower at work today..ugh. Just what I wanted. To top it off, I was expressing that I really didn't want to go to the shower. One of my team mates told me to just "get over it already". WTF. I can't be a little emotional over a baby shower now. Whatever. I couldn't wait to get home to run and do some toning exercises. That helped me to feel a little better.
Josh's dinner is calling my name. Gotta go tend to that.

>the mirror

>When I look into the mirror, I don't like what I see. I see a girl with sad eyes. A girl with no glow, no motivation and a fat face. Yes, I said it, a fat face. Since my loss I have done almost nothing but eat. I've stopped working out, stopped caring. What happened to me? It hit me this morning, circumstances out of my control are just that...out of my control. I need to start focusing on things that I can control. I can control what types of food I put into my mouth. I can control how often and how much I exercise. I can not control pregnancies, losses and others. I can't control my emotions, but I can keep them in check. I can control my obsessions of things out of my control. I just need to focus that energy on something I tangible.

Yesterday for the first time in a while, I actually worked out. It was boring, I won't lie. Where is that girl that once enjoyed working out? Where is the girl that was just happy? I want her back. I keep hearing in time...how much time?

Today is a new day. I will exercise and be mindful of what I eat. Perhaps, I can make this fat new face a little slimmer.

Today is picture day. Hopefully my students will cheer me up.

the mirror

When I look into the mirror, I don't like what I see. I see a girl with sad eyes. A girl with no glow, no motivation and a fat face. Yes, I said it, a fat face. Since my loss I have done almost nothing but eat. I've stopped working out, stopped caring. What happened to me? It hit me this morning, circumstances out of my control are just that...out of my control. I need to start focusing on things that I can control. I can control what types of food I put into my mouth. I can control how often and how much I exercise. I can not control pregnancies, losses and others. I can't control my emotions, but I can keep them in check. I can control my obsessions of things out of my control. I just need to focus that energy on something I tangible.

Yesterday for the first time in a while, I actually worked out. It was boring, I won't lie. Where is that girl that once enjoyed working out? Where is the girl that was just happy? I want her back. I keep hearing in time...how much time?

Today is a new day. I will exercise and be mindful of what I eat. Perhaps, I can make this fat new face a little slimmer.

Today is picture day. Hopefully my students will cheer me up.

>2 Months

>Wow. 2 months has gone by since I lost my baby. Some days it feels like so long ago and some days it feels like yesterday. I've officially had my first cycle after miscarriage. That sure was a fun milestone. We can ttc again, I just don't know how active I want that to be. Part of me really wants to be pregnant again, the other part is a terrified little girl.

I don't really have a lot to say. My emotions are finally getting better and DH and I had some very candid conversations about all of this over the weekend. They pissed me off and helped me to heal more. I don't know how they did both, but I welcome the healing.

DH and I are going to the mountains this weekend, can you say hot tub and wine! I know I won't be ovulating, but it does not hurt to practice!

2 Months

Wow. 2 months has gone by since I lost my baby. Some days it feels like so long ago and some days it feels like yesterday. I've officially had my first cycle after miscarriage. That sure was a fun milestone. We can ttc again, I just don't know how active I want that to be. Part of me really wants to be pregnant again, the other part is a terrified little girl.

I don't really have a lot to say. My emotions are finally getting better and DH and I had some very candid conversations about all of this over the weekend. They pissed me off and helped me to heal more. I don't know how they did both, but I welcome the healing.

DH and I are going to the mountains this weekend, can you say hot tub and wine! I know I won't be ovulating, but it does not hurt to practice!

>Ignorance is bliss

>It's been 8 full weeks since my miscarriage was induced. The thought and memory of it is nauseating; it's exhausting. It seems so long ago, yet like yesterday. I have not reminded my husband of this, although we discussed it last night when we were talking about BFNs and cycles. He told me that I needed to call the doctor and see what they said. He knows they said by 8 weeks, my cycle should return. So, I caved. I called the doctor. I'm 14dpo no sign of either pregnancy (trust me, I've pee'd) or a cycle. I have an appointment on Tuesday. They will do a pregnancy test, I'll be able to tell them the answer. Once they see my answer, they will do an exam or bloodwork...depending on what they find. I'm going into a Friday with still nothing. I don't even know if I'm hopeful of being pregnant right now anymore. I do know that by looking at my chart, it's beautiful. I miss the ignorance I had before my miscarriage. It truly was bliss. I didn't obsess over charting or how long my cycles were, just that they were happening.

Lots of great things are going on though. My class is great! They are so entertaining and funny. I really enjoy them! I've found a new peace about my loss and that makes my days and life so much easier. I laugh again, a genuine happy laugh. I'm not so angry or jealous. I told a co-worker who is 3 months, congratulations! I really meant it. She is so cute and her little belly is precious. I didn't even get sad that it's on her and not me. Talk about peaceful healing.

To whoever told me that time heals, they were right. (Thanks, Granny)

In closing, I heard a passage of scripture on the radio yesterday. Gal 6:9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we not faint. It touched me.

Ignorance is bliss

It's been 8 full weeks since my miscarriage was induced. The thought and memory of it is nauseating; it's exhausting. It seems so long ago, yet like yesterday. I have not reminded my husband of this, although we discussed it last night when we were talking about BFNs and cycles. He told me that I needed to call the doctor and see what they said. He knows they said by 8 weeks, my cycle should return. So, I caved. I called the doctor. I'm 14dpo no sign of either pregnancy (trust me, I've pee'd) or a cycle. I have an appointment on Tuesday. They will do a pregnancy test, I'll be able to tell them the answer. Once they see my answer, they will do an exam or bloodwork...depending on what they find. I'm going into a Friday with still nothing. I don't even know if I'm hopeful of being pregnant right now anymore. I do know that by looking at my chart, it's beautiful. I miss the ignorance I had before my miscarriage. It truly was bliss. I didn't obsess over charting or how long my cycles were, just that they were happening.

Lots of great things are going on though. My class is great! They are so entertaining and funny. I really enjoy them! I've found a new peace about my loss and that makes my days and life so much easier. I laugh again, a genuine happy laugh. I'm not so angry or jealous. I told a co-worker who is 3 months, congratulations! I really meant it. She is so cute and her little belly is precious. I didn't even get sad that it's on her and not me. Talk about peaceful healing.

To whoever told me that time heals, they were right. (Thanks, Granny)

In closing, I heard a passage of scripture on the radio yesterday. Gal 6:9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we not faint. It touched me.

>Happiness is...

>To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

Happiness is...

To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

>babies, babies everywhere

>It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

babies, babies everywhere

It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

>this says it all. until next time...

this says it all. until next time...

>First Milestone

>I've made it through a month. I'm sure it will go down as the hardest month. I believe I've felt every emotion in the past 4 weeks. Never in my life did I think I would be upset at someone else's happiness. I mean truly upset. Don't get me wrong, I happy for THEM, just very upset for me. I still ask "why me?" Then I take a step back and I know why. I have handled it very well, I hear it often. What other choice have I had?

I'm glad the first month was this weekend. I have been so busy I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself. I went to a wonderful bar mitzvah yesterday for a boy that will always remain so close to my heart. It was amazing to see him so grown up. His speech made me cry. Of course it did, almost everything does. Damn hormones.

I woke up today, took my temp and then reflected. One month ago I was sitting on the couch taking such deep breaths. I was telling myself that it was OK to take those "abortion" pills. I felt horrible. I honestly felt like I was killing my perfect child. Yes, I knew and understood that there was no heartbeat, but I couldn't help but feel like I was terminating my pregnancy. Now that I really think about it, it WAS over, I just had to start the part of the process that my body did not want to. Maybe my body didn't have the strength to let it go, so I had to take my heart and soul and release that along with the baby. Yes, part of my heart and soul are forever gone. I will never get the innocence of pregnancy back. I will always be cautiously excited. Never again, fully 1000% excited. I will always have a sense of urgency. I hope with time that will also fade. The good news, (I'm trying to see the bright side of things) I did not cry today. That's huge. I wanted to though. I had other things on my agenda. I had a birthday party for an 8 year old. Today was his day, not mine. He had a wonderful day. He deserved it!

I have another gripe though. I want my body to do SOMETHING. Please ovulate or have a period, please. I want to feel more "normal" and not so defective.

until next time, keep chins high and hope alive.