Three(ish) weeks

So, I realized that it's been 3 weeks since I decided I wasn't screwing around anymore with my weight loss. I wish I could say that I've lost 6 pounds and am on target for my 4w goal but I can't. I can, however, say I've lost 4. I'm thrilled. I'm back in the 130s (barely) but I know that one mess up in diet and I won't be anymore. I've also been pretty diligent w/workouts (aside from last week when we were all sick). It sounds like a lot of excuses...I realize that. whatever. it's my fitness journey, if I need to rest to get well so I can take care of my family, I will. Here's the proof yesterday morning (if you follow me on instagram you've seen this already)...

Almost 2 weeks...

So, it's been almost 2 weeks since I decided I was going to get rid of the last baby pounds and so far so good. I forgot how much I actually like clean eating and exercise. They are good for the mind and definitely keep me more sane. I've lost 2.5 pounds (not much I know but it's SOMEthing and certainly better than nothing). I've worked out consistently and I honestly feel much, much better. I had my second session with Kim on Wednesday and she did not go easy on me at all. I got dizzy...she kicked my ass...literally. I begged for good mornings so I didn't have to do more squats. She won. I lost. Well, actually I win but...I enjoy the workouts. They are hard and they make me sweat and I feel awesome when I'm done with them. I don't want to undo what she does so I work out on my own...funny how that works, huh?

Tonight I'm shooting a wedding; it will be the 4th and last for me. Why?
1. I don't love them.
2. It's a LOT of time away from my kids and my husband (who is not home often).
3. It's not enough money for me to be away that long.
4. I'm a mom first and my kids are only little once.
5. I don't love them. I want to photograph toddlers, not people getting married.
6. It's stressful and makes me question my abilities.

 It's been a crazy week. Conner was sick and is better now, thankfully. Tyler has been cutting more teeth and is extra fun and fussy. The teething keeps him up more at night, which leaves me extra tired. I got my van back, finally!

other than the wedding, we have NO plans this weekend and I'm glad. Monday Ty-man has his 6mo appt. what? he's 6mo? I know. that flew by! I'll do a Tyler post tomorrow.

4 weeks later.

I can not believe that our tiny baby is 4 weeks old already. He sleeps....like a baby and is up every 2ish hours at night. He stays up most of the morning and then starts sleeping in the afternoon. He sleeps all afternoon, with the exception of waking up to eat. He's up again in the evening. He's starting to try to smile. You know the one...that big open mouth half smile. Cutest thing ever....even the 3rd time. He still has all of that hair and I really hope it doesn't fall out. He can roll over but only when he wants to. He is still nursing and taking bottles; he's not  too picky yet.

How am I? I'm hanging in there. I'm tired and still sore. I'm really ready to start working out again but I don't want to hurt myself so I'm not pushing it. I definitely don't feel as overwhelmed as I did after Parker was born and for that I'm very thankful. My biggest complaint is that I'm tired. I am starting to get back into my regular clothes but I still have a ways to go before *those* jeans will fit. I'll get there. I've been trying to eat clean (when I actually have time to make myself food). I've lost 20lb and have 20 left to go. Something that I've been doing most days is getting dressed and putting some form of make up on daily.It really helps me to feel human. I've also been trying to drink a lot of water but it's hard some days since I'm so busy going from kid to kid to kid. I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world!
Here's me 4w later (can't believe I'm posting this but it's all about accountability, right?!).  Clearly I didn't get dressed today but Parker has been sick and have I mentioned I'm tired?

Life with three...

So, our new baby is here. He's almost three weeks old and I can not believe that he's that 'old' already. It feels like we just got him and that we've had him forever. He's such a sweet baby. His brothers adore him...we all do. He's a perfect little peanut and we could not be more thankful to have him in our family.

I did have a c-section and the surgery itself wasn't bad; in fact, it was easy. The recovery, however, sucked. Keep in mind that I had 2 vaginal deliveries prior to this and that is all I knew. I was up and moving normally by the time we got home with both Conner and Parker. This time, I was 10 days post surgery before I felt normal again. Sucked....understatement of the year. I think it would have been much easier if it was just one baby instead of 3. Let's face it, even with Daddy being home, the boys still wanted mommy and Parker had a hard time with me not being able to put him to bed or pick him up and hold him. It was tough and I'm glad that's over. :)

Today is my first day alone with all three kids. The big ones are successfully at school and Tyler is sleeping (I should be sleeping too).

Tyler was born March 6 at 8:15am, weighing in at 6lbs 7oz and 19 in long. He was just 'baby' for 48 hours while we figured out what we were going to name this sweet baby. He had a very hard time latching on to nurse and I noticed he was tongue tied right away. By midnight, he had lost 5oz so I asked for some formula to start supplementing. 24 hours later, he was down 4 more oz. We had a weight check the following Monday and he was up to 6lbs 3oz; yay for growth! He's a great baby, except that he prefers to sleep more during the day. He had his 2 week well check on Thursday. He was a whopping 7lbs and 20 in long. I mentioned to the pedi that I wanted his tongue checked because he was having a hard time nursing (even though I'm fine with supplementing) and she referred me to an ENT. On Friday....we headed to the ENT. Let me just say that seeing your 2 week old baby with a mouth full of blood is not anything any mother wants to see. I had to hold him down for the procedure. No fun, but it was necessary. It was something that was severe enough that we would have had to do it before he turned 4. If we would have waited, he would have needed general anesthesia instead of just the local that he had. He's completely fine now and is nursing more/better. That's all about Tyler...

My turn. We got to the hospital at 5am and they started prepping for surgery. I won't lie, I wanted to pull the IV out and run like hell out the door...but I didn't. The surgery was super easy and as soon as my OB said that he was perfect, I needed a nap. By 9am, all 3 of us were back in my room and things were fine. my incision was good, the surgery was perfect, Tyler was perfect. As the epidural wore off, I got antsy. I don't like to sit still normally and by 5pm I was begging to get up. Let me say that the first time I got up was awful. I mean, cold sweats, holy hell awful. After that, I was in some pain but each time it was easier and by Thursday morning, I had taken a shower. The pain was somewhat manageable after I started getting up but I wanted more meds and the nurses wouldn't give them to me. Instead they gave me an abdominal binder. That thing is amazing! I didn't feel like gravity hated me anymore and I wore it for almost 2 weeks. I'd still be wearing it but it's too big now. By Friday morning, I was ready to go home. I didn't need much getting up and I could manage my meds on my own and Josh and I really missed the kids. Parker was having a harder time and it was just time for all of us to be home. Once we got home, I slept in the guest room with Tyler to avoid the stairs and climbing in and out of our big bed. I'm still sore but not bad enough for any medications. I think that a big part of my soreness is from having my tubes cut/tied.

I know you're waiting for photos...

starting over...

I have (once again) neglected this blog. I mean I just posted Parker's ONE year post...yea a few weeks late, I know. In my defense, I started the post on the right day.

 

I'm sure that some of you are wondering what and where I've been and I wish I had an explanation. I don't have one.

My kids keep me super busy; they are needy. It is what it is.

I am training for a half marathon and I'm terrified I won't be able to do it but that fear isn't stopping me from still trying.

Conner starts 2 day a week school on the 17. I am excited about it but I'm nervous and not 100% ready but I know it will be good for both of us. He has been testing everything lately and it's very hard on me. He has even taught Parker how to not listen and to be mean. He doesn't share well at all and I really think he needs to be around other children and learn to take direction from other adults.  One of the days Conner is in pre-school, Parker and I are going to do a Mommy and Me class and that will be fun. I'm looking forward to that.

My photography is slowing down. It is a hard reality for me b/c it is something that I really, really enjoy but without clients, the business aspect isn't there. It makes me sad but I can't force people to hire me for their portraits.

I'm trying to think of what else I can say to update but I just don't know.

Oh, I went off of my PPD meds and guess what? I'm FINE. Yes, I still have moments of frustration (what mom doesn't) and yes I need breaks from my kids (what mom doesn't) but I'm doing fine. I'm thrilled too. I know that running helps me with that.

It's been so stinkin hot here; we've basically stayed inside unless we have had the hose/sprinkler out. Even the pool is hot; it's like bath water and that's not refreshing!

Here are a few pictures...just in case you care.

All About Me.

I am part of the Ross Family Adventure so I thought an update would be good.

 

Here's what's going on...

1. I fell getting off of the boat onto the dock and bruised my muscle. It looks awesome. My thigh is yellow, purple and gross. fun times.

2. Because of the above, I can not run. Today is the first day (day 3) that I can walk with little discomfort. Keep in mind that I DO have a half marathon Oct 2. I will run it.

3. I am going off of my meds.  Yes, I am burying this in the middle. It's time. I'm ready.

4. I have been busy with my photography business but only have ONE session this month. Instead of welcoming the break, I am freaking out.

5. I signed up Conner for pre-school. I am very excited about it. SIX hours a week with just Parker. We're totally going to do a mommy and me class. He deserves just mommy time.

6. Parker is almost one and I'm ignoring that fact. He's SO not a baby but...I'm really sad over how fast his first year went and how I feel like I missed so much. Part of me blames my PPD.

 

That is all...for now. Conner is demanding to sit in my lap.

Let's talk about me

I haven't really given any kind of update on me lately. In fact, my blog has been vacant of a new post for a week. I will say that I have a post saved as a draft and I do have plans on finishing it. First, I do want to talk about myself; I am the most important person. A few weeks ago, I started running again. I can not tell you how much this has helped me. I have not noticed any physical changes at all. BUT my mental state is much better. Aside from today (we won't go there right now), I don't remember when my last "bad" day was. I can't pinpoint it. I wake up happy, I play with my kids, I notice that I'm enjoying them and not yelling all the time. I have moments when I think to myself, "I'm living the life and I'm so happy". When I realize those things, I'm happy. Really, really happy. I didn't go to the psychiatrist's appt. I didn't have a babysitter and since I'm feeling so good, I decided that it wasn't worth the $150. I think part of my success...NO, I know part of my success is because of my new friend, Sara. She is a newer mommy, her sweet girl is 9 mos old and she runs with a stroller. Sara is such a great motivator! She is so much fun and a great running partner. She is sooo sweet, too. I know that if I didn't have her to say, "come on, let's go", I wouldn't be running as much. Running has been so good for me, it's such a huge stress reliever. I only have to go with one of my kids. Since the time has changed, Josh has been staying home with Conner and I've been taking Parker. Parker typically just sleeps in the stroller. I am still taking my medication but I am getting to the point where I don't feel like I will need them. It's really a great feeling.

Need vs Want

There are always things that people need (food, shelter, sound mind, love) and then there are things that people want (stuff, more money, nicer this and nicer that).  Sometimes the needs are scary and the wants don't want to. After my appt last week with my PCP, I left feeling a little dissatisfied. Yes, she (sort-of) addressed my issues by doubling my dosage of medication. However, I feel like she didn't really address it. I was talking to a dear friend yesterday and she told me what I NEEDED but didn't want to hear. She said, " you need a psychiatrist. You need to call one first thing in the morning so that you can start to feel better". Here's where the want comes in to play. Did I want to call a psych and admit that I need one, heck no. Guess what, I did. I got on my insurance website and found one that does medication management and I took a deep breath, gulped down a knot in my throat (the one that consists of pride), and dialed the number. The receptionist was super nice and told me that the Dr she works with specializes in medication management. She took my insurance information to verify my coverage and told me that she will be able to get in me (probably) March 4.  As soon as my coverage is verified, she will call me back to schedule the appt. I won't lie, I'm nervous and am shaking. I'm terrified to do this but I'm more terrified that I will never feel better. It's not fair to my kids or my husband and I NEED and WANT to feel better. Right now, though, I could just throw up. They say that it's baby steps, but in this case, that was a giant one.

Thank You

It's so hard for me to be completely honest about how I'm feeling. It's a very hard thing for me to do. I don't talk about it because for some reason I can't get the words out so I decided to write. Writing it down for people to maybe read has always been much easier for me to do. It's like I'm accepting it but if no one reads it that's ok. And I don't really know if anyone reads unless they comment. Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to those of you that commented. Your kind words mean the world to me. For those of you that are where I am or have been there, I give you virtual hugs...hell even if you're reading you get a hug. Thanks for putting up with me.

Judgement

Before I had kids, I always thought that moms of more than one child were full of it when they said that it was hard to go back after baby number 2. I'm talking about weight, here people. I seriously thought they were just lazy and didn't want to lose weight or get healthier. Joke's on me...it IS harder. Everything is harder. I still only have 2 hands, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes...you get the picture. I'm still only ONE person but I have two people to take care of...sometimes simultaneously. I don't have time to exercise...not even a little bit. Sure, I have a gym membership but since before Christmas someone has been sick and now Parker has another ear infection and fever (he does weight 17lbs 5oz), which we found out today from the pedi. He's on antibiotics again. Poor little thing. Back to what I was saying, since we've all been sick (me included), we haven't been to the Y. They don't allow sick kids and that's fine with me because I certainly don't want my kids to get sick from someone else bringing the nastiness with them there. Eating healthy is also not as easy with 2 babies. Conner eats "toddler" foods. Of course he will eat fruit too but...and for me to eat some days it's just eating what I can eat holding one (ie, PB&j) while the other is yelling at me for one reason or another. To all the moms out there that I judged before I was a mom, I am sorry. It is hard; it's stressful and it's exhausting. I will get back to it and I will have my skinny self back but I just don't know when.

I did something today that I never thought I'd do. I was on the way to the pediatrician with Parker and I heard about a depression study on talk radio (yes, I'm old, I know). I quickly grabbed my phone and called to see if I would qualify. The "ad" mentioned some of the "symptoms" that I experience and that I have started to experience in the past month or so. I don't remember all of the things they mentioned but the 2 that stood out to me were "lack of motivation" and wondering if what I was feeling "was the meds or me". I spoke to a nice lady named Tiffany. She asked me a bunch of questions and I was honest, which was really hard. It's hard to put on a happy front all of the time but being that brutally honest was even harder. I know that if I am going to get the help that I need, I have to be honest. She said that she was going to pass my information on to one of the Drs that runs the study and they would give me a call if they thought that I could benefit from it. She also encouraged me to make an appt with my Dr. to discuss these things too. I already have one scheduled for Wednesday. I'm hoping we can come up with a plan or some changes that will help. I never thought I'd be in this place but I am and I'm trying my best to deal with it in a positive way. I don't know how good I'm doing with that though.  If I'm really honest with you ( and I think it's just Shannon reading this blog now since I moved it), no one in real life really knows how not good I'm doing ( I don't want to call it bad). I have to get better. It has to, right? You would think that it was. Parker is mobile (yep, he's CRAWLING at 6.5 months) and they play now but...I'm in a funky funk. blah.

 

 

>Honest

>If I am completely honest, I am doing better but I am not great.  I still have lots and lots of moments where I am just sad; for no real reason. I will catch myself looking in the mirror and I am overcome with sadness. I don't know if it is because of how tired I feel and look, I don't know if it's because I never get a real break. I find myself getting really frustrated with my kids again. I am honestly a little miserable. It's not that I am miserable every second of every day; it's really more moments that hit me and when they hit, they hit hard. I don't really know what else to say and I don't know what to do to make those moments go away. There isn't a reason for me to have the feelings that I have. Maybe someone has a suggestion?

I can see the misery/depression when I look at my house. It's a wreck; there is laundry that needs to be put away, carpets need to be vacuumed and floors mopped. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch blogging. Conner is napping (and it's 5:33) on the other couch; he fell asleep in the car. Parker is crawling on the floor and playing happily. Yep, on the dirty, dog hair ridden floor. He's happy though and that's what matters, right?  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing on the floor that will hurt him and I am watching him but I should be interacting with him. It makes me feel really crappy that at almost 6.5 months I still don't have a lot of motivation to do much. I did, however, get up and load the dishwasher and puree some baby food. I don't feel like cooking, entertaining any of Josh's ideas for "fun", doing anything. I just want to be left alone. I did drop my kids off today for a few hours and it was nice to be by myself. The plus side to that is I was ready to see them this afternoon. I think they were ready to see me too. I'm just tired of feeling this way and I know some people will say that it is all in my head; I assure you it is not.

Honest

If I am completely honest, I am doing better but I am not great.  I still have lots and lots of moments where I am just sad; for no real reason. I will catch myself looking in the mirror and I am overcome with sadness. I don't know if it is because of how tired I feel and look, I don't know if it's because I never get a real break. I find myself getting really frustrated with my kids again. I am honestly a little miserable. It's not that I am miserable every second of every day; it's really more moments that hit me and when they hit, they hit hard. I don't really know what else to say and I don't know what to do to make those moments go away. There isn't a reason for me to have the feelings that I have. Maybe someone has a suggestion?

I can see the misery/depression when I look at my house. It's a wreck; there is laundry that needs to be put away, carpets need to be vacuumed and floors mopped. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch blogging. Conner is napping (and it's 5:33) on the other couch; he fell asleep in the car. Parker is crawling on the floor and playing happily. Yep, on the dirty, dog hair ridden floor. He's happy though and that's what matters, right?  Don't get me wrong, there's nothing on the floor that will hurt him and I am watching him but I should be interacting with him. It makes me feel really crappy that at almost 6.5 months I still don't have a lot of motivation to do much. I did, however, get up and load the dishwasher and puree some baby food. I don't feel like cooking, entertaining any of Josh's ideas for "fun", doing anything. I just want to be left alone. I did drop my kids off today for a few hours and it was nice to be by myself. The plus side to that is I was ready to see them this afternoon. I think they were ready to see me too. I'm just tired of feeling this way and I know some people will say that it is all in my head; I assure you it is not.

>Part of the Adventure

>I begged and begged for a YMCA membership. I promised that I would go every day and I even mapped out the classed I would do to prove to Josh that I was not kidding and it was not a fad. Fast forward; I've gone...ONCE and it was yesterday. Both kids did great. The childcare workers said they both did great...except...Conner. Well, he wasn't bad and didn't cry but he doesn't like to share. DUH, he's 2 and he doesn't have to share his toys. It's something we are working on and he will get better about it. I rode on this ARC trainer thing. It was tough and today I'm sore. I am going to go back tomorrow. I wanted to go back today and I still might. I'll have to see what the kids do after Conner's nap. Unfortunately, right now they kind of run things. speaking of running things, Parker is having a hysterical fit b/c he's in the jumpy and I'm looking at him and not holding him. congratulate me on taking that first step, ok?!

Part of the Adventure

I begged and begged for a YMCA membership. I promised that I would go every day and I even mapped out the classed I would do to prove to Josh that I was not kidding and it was not a fad. Fast forward; I've gone...ONCE and it was yesterday. Both kids did great. The childcare workers said they both did great...except...Conner. Well, he wasn't bad and didn't cry but he doesn't like to share. DUH, he's 2 and he doesn't have to share his toys. It's something we are working on and he will get better about it. I rode on this ARC trainer thing. It was tough and today I'm sore. I am going to go back tomorrow. I wanted to go back today and I still might. I'll have to see what the kids do after Conner's nap. Unfortunately, right now they kind of run things. speaking of running things, Parker is having a hysterical fit b/c he's in the jumpy and I'm looking at him and not holding him. congratulate me on taking that first step, ok?!

>Seeing is believing

>On Christmas, my brother-in-law's girlfriend took this picture of Parker and I. I knew I needed to lose some weight but this shows me that I do. I was not upset that she took the picture and pit it on FB (eek) for the world to see. My first thought was holy boobs but then I saw that belly. I promise I'm not pregnant. As soon as these kids are well, I am going to the gym. I might even put this picture out somewhere so I can see it often.

Seeing is believing

On Christmas, my brother-in-law's girlfriend took this picture of Parker and I. I knew I needed to lose some weight but this shows me that I do. I was not upset that she took the picture and pit it on FB (eek) for the world to see. My first thought was holy boobs but then I saw that belly. I promise I'm not pregnant. As soon as these kids are well, I am going to the gym. I might even put this picture out somewhere so I can see it often.

>Stress

>What does stress do to you? It makes me EAT. Yes, you read that right. I get stressed out and I stuff my face and you know it's not with apples and carrots. I go straight for the oreos and doritos. Once upon a time, I ran. I'd have a bad day and a good run (you know the ones where it just hurts and there's sweat dripping and it feels oh so good) would make it all better. Fast forward...2 kids later and I eat. I never knew I was a stress eater until a few months ago. Both kids would be screaming and I would want to pull my hair out so...to the pantry I'd go. Now, if you have any tips at all for me, I'd LOVE to know what I can do to break this nasty pattern. I have also noticed that between 3-4, I munch. I have tried drinking water, chewing gum...nothing works. I have to get out of this funk though...please share your wisdom! I want to get back to the gym; I really do. I need a swift kick in the butt.

Stress

What does stress do to you? It makes me EAT. Yes, you read that right. I get stressed out and I stuff my face and you know it's not with apples and carrots. I go straight for the oreos and doritos. Once upon a time, I ran. I'd have a bad day and a good run (you know the ones where it just hurts and there's sweat dripping and it feels oh so good) would make it all better. Fast forward...2 kids later and I eat. I never knew I was a stress eater until a few months ago. Both kids would be screaming and I would want to pull my hair out so...to the pantry I'd go. Now, if you have any tips at all for me, I'd LOVE to know what I can do to break this nasty pattern. I have also noticed that between 3-4, I munch. I have tried drinking water, chewing gum...nothing works. I have to get out of this funk though...please share your wisdom! I want to get back to the gym; I really do. I need a swift kick in the butt.

>Is it me?

>I feel like I neglect myself, my husband and my kids. Clearly I am not doing something right if I am constantly listening to someone scream at me. It makes me feel like a failure. It's a crappy feeling.

This week has been a really rough week in the Ross house. Parker is cutting his second tooth and wants to be held constantly. If I put him down to play, he cries. If he goes in the swing, he cries. If he goes in the jumperoo, he jumps and then cries. If I am holding him and I sit down, he cries. He cries while he eats, when he's tired, if Conner takes a toy away, if he poops...anything. He just cries. The only time he's not crying is if he's sleeping (thank the Lord he will nap a little bit) and if I'm looking at him with goo goo eyes and talking to him. Now, Conner was not a wonderful, easy baby b/c he never slept but at least he didn't cry at me all day long. By the time Josh gets home, I'm spent. I've been listening to someone scream at me and I've had someone on my lap the entire time I've been awake. I know, I know, that's part of being a mom but it's hard.

...and then there is Conner. He's a typical 2 year old. He yells at me when I tell him no, he fights me on almost everything. When he gets spanked he yells at me in anger. I constantly take things away, fuss and fight. I feel like I do nothing but fight with him. He's so strong willed and he's smart. He can outsmart me very quickly...not that he's smarter than me but I underestimate him a lot.

I haven't cooked in a week...well, I cooked twice this week. That's very abnormal for me. Those of you that know me, know that I cook daily. We rarely go out anymore and that's fine with me. I'm not even taking care of my house. I can't, I have 2 kids that are so stinking high maintenance that I can't breathe. I walked out of the house tonight (Josh was home) and I could hear BOTH of them screaming for me. I just feel like I can't catch a break...ever. All of this stress and these emotions are making me feel like crap again. I don't know if I should talk to the dr and increase my meds or not.

maybe next week will be better? Let's hope so.

Is it me?

I feel like I neglect myself, my husband and my kids. Clearly I am not doing something right if I am constantly listening to someone scream at me. It makes me feel like a failure. It's a crappy feeling.

This week has been a really rough week in the Ross house. Parker is cutting his second tooth and wants to be held constantly. If I put him down to play, he cries. If he goes in the swing, he cries. If he goes in the jumperoo, he jumps and then cries. If I am holding him and I sit down, he cries. He cries while he eats, when he's tired, if Conner takes a toy away, if he poops...anything. He just cries. The only time he's not crying is if he's sleeping (thank the Lord he will nap a little bit) and if I'm looking at him with goo goo eyes and talking to him. Now, Conner was not a wonderful, easy baby b/c he never slept but at least he didn't cry at me all day long. By the time Josh gets home, I'm spent. I've been listening to someone scream at me and I've had someone on my lap the entire time I've been awake. I know, I know, that's part of being a mom but it's hard.

...and then there is Conner. He's a typical 2 year old. He yells at me when I tell him no, he fights me on almost everything. When he gets spanked he yells at me in anger. I constantly take things away, fuss and fight. I feel like I do nothing but fight with him. He's so strong willed and he's smart. He can outsmart me very quickly...not that he's smarter than me but I underestimate him a lot.

I haven't cooked in a week...well, I cooked twice this week. That's very abnormal for me. Those of you that know me, know that I cook daily. We rarely go out anymore and that's fine with me. I'm not even taking care of my house. I can't, I have 2 kids that are so stinking high maintenance that I can't breathe. I walked out of the house tonight (Josh was home) and I could hear BOTH of them screaming for me. I just feel like I can't catch a break...ever. All of this stress and these emotions are making me feel like crap again. I don't know if I should talk to the dr and increase my meds or not.

maybe next week will be better? Let's hope so.