>Waiting games.

>I've been charting since my miscarriage with the hopes that some sort of normalcy would return for me. Imagine the excitement when I put in my temps on Saturday and I was given ovulation crosshairs! I could barely believe it! Now I sit and wait. The dreaded two week wait. Do I honestly think I'm pregnant? No, could I be? Absolutely. Due to the fact that I honestly thought I would not ovulate this month the hubby and I just had a great time...including the day before ovulation. Now I have something "new" to obsess over and wait for. It's a continuous waiting game.

The waiting always continues. If I'm not pregnant, then I wait. I wait for the end of my favorite aspect of mother nature to leave. I wait some more for ovulation. Then the dreaded two week wait starts. The obsessive need to pee on something also starts. If I in fact get a positive...I wait some more. I wait for my first Dr. appt, my first results, my first ultrasound, my first trimester to end, and so on...

I'm actually happy to wait. It gives me something to obsess over!

Until next time...I'll be waiting.

Waiting games.

I've been charting since my miscarriage with the hopes that some sort of normalcy would return for me. Imagine the excitement when I put in my temps on Saturday and I was given ovulation crosshairs! I could barely believe it! Now I sit and wait. The dreaded two week wait. Do I honestly think I'm pregnant? No, could I be? Absolutely. Due to the fact that I honestly thought I would not ovulate this month the hubby and I just had a great time...including the day before ovulation. Now I have something "new" to obsess over and wait for. It's a continuous waiting game.

The waiting always continues. If I'm not pregnant, then I wait. I wait for the end of my favorite aspect of mother nature to leave. I wait some more for ovulation. Then the dreaded two week wait starts. The obsessive need to pee on something also starts. If I in fact get a positive...I wait some more. I wait for my first Dr. appt, my first results, my first ultrasound, my first trimester to end, and so on...

I'm actually happy to wait. It gives me something to obsess over!

Until next time...I'll be waiting.

>Happiness is...

>To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

Happiness is...

To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

>babies, babies everywhere

>It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

babies, babies everywhere

It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

>this says it all. until next time...

this says it all. until next time...

>Snowed In

>WOW! Snow twice in a week in the south is unheard of! It sure is pretty though.

As I sit on my comfy couch and think I've decided something...I don't care what I have to go through to get a baby. I will survive whatever it is. I will be patient and know that in time, I will get my baby. I know that it may take a while, I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts to have lost one, but I'd do it again if it means going through that valley will lead me to the top. I am now 100% sure that I am ready to try again.
DH and I decided this morning that we would try harder now. How do you possibly do that?! I was a little down and I told him that I should have a big ol' belly and I should be 14 weeks. I'm ready for my journey. Well, as soon as my body is ready and willing to cooperate. I just have to get through the next 2 cycles. I'm still waiting for the first one!

Until next time...I will patiently wait with a heart full of hope.

Snowed In

WOW! Snow twice in a week in the south is unheard of! It sure is pretty though.

As I sit on my comfy couch and think I've decided something...I don't care what I have to go through to get a baby. I will survive whatever it is. I will be patient and know that in time, I will get my baby. I know that it may take a while, I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts to have lost one, but I'd do it again if it means going through that valley will lead me to the top. I am now 100% sure that I am ready to try again.
DH and I decided this morning that we would try harder now. How do you possibly do that?! I was a little down and I told him that I should have a big ol' belly and I should be 14 weeks. I'm ready for my journey. Well, as soon as my body is ready and willing to cooperate. I just have to get through the next 2 cycles. I'm still waiting for the first one!

Until next time...I will patiently wait with a heart full of hope.

>First Milestone

>I've made it through a month. I'm sure it will go down as the hardest month. I believe I've felt every emotion in the past 4 weeks. Never in my life did I think I would be upset at someone else's happiness. I mean truly upset. Don't get me wrong, I happy for THEM, just very upset for me. I still ask "why me?" Then I take a step back and I know why. I have handled it very well, I hear it often. What other choice have I had?

I'm glad the first month was this weekend. I have been so busy I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself. I went to a wonderful bar mitzvah yesterday for a boy that will always remain so close to my heart. It was amazing to see him so grown up. His speech made me cry. Of course it did, almost everything does. Damn hormones.

I woke up today, took my temp and then reflected. One month ago I was sitting on the couch taking such deep breaths. I was telling myself that it was OK to take those "abortion" pills. I felt horrible. I honestly felt like I was killing my perfect child. Yes, I knew and understood that there was no heartbeat, but I couldn't help but feel like I was terminating my pregnancy. Now that I really think about it, it WAS over, I just had to start the part of the process that my body did not want to. Maybe my body didn't have the strength to let it go, so I had to take my heart and soul and release that along with the baby. Yes, part of my heart and soul are forever gone. I will never get the innocence of pregnancy back. I will always be cautiously excited. Never again, fully 1000% excited. I will always have a sense of urgency. I hope with time that will also fade. The good news, (I'm trying to see the bright side of things) I did not cry today. That's huge. I wanted to though. I had other things on my agenda. I had a birthday party for an 8 year old. Today was his day, not mine. He had a wonderful day. He deserved it!

I have another gripe though. I want my body to do SOMETHING. Please ovulate or have a period, please. I want to feel more "normal" and not so defective.

until next time, keep chins high and hope alive.

First Milestone

I've made it through a month. I'm sure it will go down as the hardest month. I believe I've felt every emotion in the past 4 weeks. Never in my life did I think I would be upset at someone else's happiness. I mean truly upset. Don't get me wrong, I happy for THEM, just very upset for me. I still ask "why me?" Then I take a step back and I know why. I have handled it very well, I hear it often. What other choice have I had?

I'm glad the first month was this weekend. I have been so busy I haven't had time to feel sorry for myself. I went to a wonderful bar mitzvah yesterday for a boy that will always remain so close to my heart. It was amazing to see him so grown up. His speech made me cry. Of course it did, almost everything does. Damn hormones.

I woke up today, took my temp and then reflected. One month ago I was sitting on the couch taking such deep breaths. I was telling myself that it was OK to take those "abortion" pills. I felt horrible. I honestly felt like I was killing my perfect child. Yes, I knew and understood that there was no heartbeat, but I couldn't help but feel like I was terminating my pregnancy. Now that I really think about it, it WAS over, I just had to start the part of the process that my body did not want to. Maybe my body didn't have the strength to let it go, so I had to take my heart and soul and release that along with the baby. Yes, part of my heart and soul are forever gone. I will never get the innocence of pregnancy back. I will always be cautiously excited. Never again, fully 1000% excited. I will always have a sense of urgency. I hope with time that will also fade. The good news, (I'm trying to see the bright side of things) I did not cry today. That's huge. I wanted to though. I had other things on my agenda. I had a birthday party for an 8 year old. Today was his day, not mine. He had a wonderful day. He deserved it!

I have another gripe though. I want my body to do SOMETHING. Please ovulate or have a period, please. I want to feel more "normal" and not so defective.

until next time, keep chins high and hope alive.

>Just what I wanted to see today...

>I had a great day today. The kids were funny and overall I really feel great! One of the lunchroom ladies even asked me when I would start showing and I was OK with that. I just simply smiled and said, "I miscarried". I was really really OK.

I got home. In the mailbox, staring at me was a baby magazine with big bold blue letters, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PREGNANT! Um...yeah, not anymore. Great. Thanks for the magazine. I didn't order it, it just came. Along with that, my insurance benefits. I will actually owe money for my loss. According to BCBS, it's because I had pregnancy complications. So, pretty much if everything goes well, they cover it ALL. God forbid that something go wrong because in the midst of a great day, you'll get a statement and it will tell you that you now owe money for something that you did not even want to happen. It's not like I wanted to terminate my preganacy. I would give ANYTHING to have seen my baby's heartbeat and known that everything was great. I would LOVE to have had morning sickness to the fullest effect and have a cute little bump. I want the weight gain and the sore boobs. I want people to touch my growing bump (well, not really). I want to have weird food cravings and completely outgrow pre-pregnancy clothes. Thanks to the baby magazine my insurance company my good day turned sour...Tomorrow is a new day.

Just what I wanted to see today...

I had a great day today. The kids were funny and overall I really feel great! One of the lunchroom ladies even asked me when I would start showing and I was OK with that. I just simply smiled and said, "I miscarried". I was really really OK.

I got home. In the mailbox, staring at me was a baby magazine with big bold blue letters, CONGRATULATIONS, YOU'RE PREGNANT! Um...yeah, not anymore. Great. Thanks for the magazine. I didn't order it, it just came. Along with that, my insurance benefits. I will actually owe money for my loss. According to BCBS, it's because I had pregnancy complications. So, pretty much if everything goes well, they cover it ALL. God forbid that something go wrong because in the midst of a great day, you'll get a statement and it will tell you that you now owe money for something that you did not even want to happen. It's not like I wanted to terminate my preganacy. I would give ANYTHING to have seen my baby's heartbeat and known that everything was great. I would LOVE to have had morning sickness to the fullest effect and have a cute little bump. I want the weight gain and the sore boobs. I want people to touch my growing bump (well, not really). I want to have weird food cravings and completely outgrow pre-pregnancy clothes. Thanks to the baby magazine my insurance company my good day turned sour...Tomorrow is a new day.

>Finally back to a routine

>I know that many, many teachers look forward to the holiday breaks, but let me just say that I am so happy to be back in the classroom. After moping around and feeling sorry for myself and my husband, a routine feels great! I have never been so happy to see my lovely 5th graders.

Yesterday was 4 weeks since we learned the fate of our baby. It actually came and went before I realized it. That was probably a great thing. Yes, I still hurt for my child, but I am feeling better. I have not cried since Friday and the acne on my face is actually getting better. Unfortunately I gained 7 pounds, I want to eat the crap. The doctor told us to wait at least 2 cycles before we start to try again. We may wait longer, we may not. We may just go for it. Right now I am in limbo...waiting and waiting. My body is playing tricks on me. One day I have cramps, the next nothing. One day I have a high temperature, the next they are down (yes, I'm driving myself crazy charting). I will continue to drive myself crazy until my next positive test! It's part of my personality.

Until next time...I'll continue to have faith!

Finally back to a routine

I know that many, many teachers look forward to the holiday breaks, but let me just say that I am so happy to be back in the classroom. After moping around and feeling sorry for myself and my husband, a routine feels great! I have never been so happy to see my lovely 5th graders.

Yesterday was 4 weeks since we learned the fate of our baby. It actually came and went before I realized it. That was probably a great thing. Yes, I still hurt for my child, but I am feeling better. I have not cried since Friday and the acne on my face is actually getting better. Unfortunately I gained 7 pounds, I want to eat the crap. The doctor told us to wait at least 2 cycles before we start to try again. We may wait longer, we may not. We may just go for it. Right now I am in limbo...waiting and waiting. My body is playing tricks on me. One day I have cramps, the next nothing. One day I have a high temperature, the next they are down (yes, I'm driving myself crazy charting). I will continue to drive myself crazy until my next positive test! It's part of my personality.

Until next time...I'll continue to have faith!

>3rd day of a new year

>To start off let me just say that 2007 was amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. It made me a (in the following order) a graduate, a wife, a teacher and almost a mom. Note, I said almost. It also made me weak, and yet very strong.

Being a graduate, wife and teacher have really given me great joy! I adore my husband and my career...the mom part, well that just left me broken hearted. November 8, I decided to pee on a stick (home pregnancy test) and I thought I saw two lines. DH and I wrote it off as not being dark enough=not pregnant...phew. A few days later, I decided to try again. Sure enough, two very visible lines appeared. I think I shook ALL day long. It was a total shock. Fast forward one month. First u/s...we sure were excited, until we learned that our baby did not have a heart beat. The hell officially began. Losing something so personal like an unborn child is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. The hurt and pain is completely indescribable. I feel so defective, yet I have so much hope. Hope for happiness, the future, and God's will on our lives; for this is not just about me.

Here's to a great 2008, lots of baby dancing to lead to lots morning sickness, exhaustion, baby weight gain and great announcements all around!

3rd day of a new year

To start off let me just say that 2007 was amazing and heartbreaking at the same time. It made me a (in the following order) a graduate, a wife, a teacher and almost a mom. Note, I said almost. It also made me weak, and yet very strong.

Being a graduate, wife and teacher have really given me great joy! I adore my husband and my career...the mom part, well that just left me broken hearted. November 8, I decided to pee on a stick (home pregnancy test) and I thought I saw two lines. DH and I wrote it off as not being dark enough=not pregnant...phew. A few days later, I decided to try again. Sure enough, two very visible lines appeared. I think I shook ALL day long. It was a total shock. Fast forward one month. First u/s...we sure were excited, until we learned that our baby did not have a heart beat. The hell officially began. Losing something so personal like an unborn child is the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me. The hurt and pain is completely indescribable. I feel so defective, yet I have so much hope. Hope for happiness, the future, and God's will on our lives; for this is not just about me.

Here's to a great 2008, lots of baby dancing to lead to lots morning sickness, exhaustion, baby weight gain and great announcements all around!