babies, babies everywhere

It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.