>Waiting games.

>I've been charting since my miscarriage with the hopes that some sort of normalcy would return for me. Imagine the excitement when I put in my temps on Saturday and I was given ovulation crosshairs! I could barely believe it! Now I sit and wait. The dreaded two week wait. Do I honestly think I'm pregnant? No, could I be? Absolutely. Due to the fact that I honestly thought I would not ovulate this month the hubby and I just had a great time...including the day before ovulation. Now I have something "new" to obsess over and wait for. It's a continuous waiting game.

The waiting always continues. If I'm not pregnant, then I wait. I wait for the end of my favorite aspect of mother nature to leave. I wait some more for ovulation. Then the dreaded two week wait starts. The obsessive need to pee on something also starts. If I in fact get a positive...I wait some more. I wait for my first Dr. appt, my first results, my first ultrasound, my first trimester to end, and so on...

I'm actually happy to wait. It gives me something to obsess over!

Until next time...I'll be waiting.

Waiting games.

I've been charting since my miscarriage with the hopes that some sort of normalcy would return for me. Imagine the excitement when I put in my temps on Saturday and I was given ovulation crosshairs! I could barely believe it! Now I sit and wait. The dreaded two week wait. Do I honestly think I'm pregnant? No, could I be? Absolutely. Due to the fact that I honestly thought I would not ovulate this month the hubby and I just had a great time...including the day before ovulation. Now I have something "new" to obsess over and wait for. It's a continuous waiting game.

The waiting always continues. If I'm not pregnant, then I wait. I wait for the end of my favorite aspect of mother nature to leave. I wait some more for ovulation. Then the dreaded two week wait starts. The obsessive need to pee on something also starts. If I in fact get a positive...I wait some more. I wait for my first Dr. appt, my first results, my first ultrasound, my first trimester to end, and so on...

I'm actually happy to wait. It gives me something to obsess over!

Until next time...I'll be waiting.

>Happiness is...

>To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

Happiness is...

To me, happiness is not viewed as an "all around" type thing. Over the past day or so, I have been told "I hope you find happiness soon". I'm not confused about my state of happiness at all. Others are. I'm not unhappy, I'm going through a loss and it has it's tough times. I have very happy things going on. My marriage and husband are wonderful, I have a job that I truly enjoy, I have wonderful, amazing friends that I absolutely could not live without. Why does one thing indicate unhappiness when everything else is amazing. Happiness is a state, it does not define a person. Just like depression. NO, I'm not depressed. Yes, I have depressing moments and even hours, but my "state" does not define me as a person. Overall, I'm very happy. My life is complete, yet incomplete. It definitely makes for a confusing situation. I was complete...until I lost a baby. I will forever have a void, but that should and does not indicate unhappiness. It indicates a loss, a sad time and a special, special time. It indicates the happiest of days and the lowest of days. It's a reminder that nothing is guaranteed, miracles occur but don't always stay forever. A friend gave me a quote....I really like it..."Believe in Miracles, but don't depend on them". It might just be my new mantra.



Until next time...I happily wait...even if that means having a few unhappy moments.

>babies, babies everywhere

>It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

babies, babies everywhere

It seems like every time I turn around, another person is announcing their pregnancies. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them but it really isn't fair. I mean some of these people have more than one child. I just want one, but I guess the one I had didn't like me enough or something. Now that one is gone and others are blessed with additional babies for themselves and their families. I'm sitting here really trying to be patient about my cycle but as each day goes by with no response from my ovaries I get more impatient and frustrated. It is so unbelievably hard to fake happy all the time and pretend that I am fine when in fact, I'm really not fine. I probably won't be "fine" ever again. I imagine that once I get pregnant again I will feel better, but not "fine". There will always be the lack of innocence in my pregnancy and that is not fair. Mother Nature has taken my innocence and flushed it away. There will always be the baby that I never got to see and hold, although I loved. I loved with my whole heart and entire being. I loved with everything I had and somehow that was still not enough. That's not fair either. I'm really really trying to be more positive, but somehow I'm having a very difficult time finding positives in this situation. The absolute worst part is that there is nothing I nor anyone else can do to make me feel better or more normal. The blanket answers I get from friends, family and doctors don't help and I feel like I'm in a cardboard box with only corners and no door. I go from corner to corner and can't find a way out.

until next time...I'll be looking for a window.

>this says it all. until next time...

this says it all. until next time...

>Snowed In

>WOW! Snow twice in a week in the south is unheard of! It sure is pretty though.

As I sit on my comfy couch and think I've decided something...I don't care what I have to go through to get a baby. I will survive whatever it is. I will be patient and know that in time, I will get my baby. I know that it may take a while, I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts to have lost one, but I'd do it again if it means going through that valley will lead me to the top. I am now 100% sure that I am ready to try again.
DH and I decided this morning that we would try harder now. How do you possibly do that?! I was a little down and I told him that I should have a big ol' belly and I should be 14 weeks. I'm ready for my journey. Well, as soon as my body is ready and willing to cooperate. I just have to get through the next 2 cycles. I'm still waiting for the first one!

Until next time...I will patiently wait with a heart full of hope.

Snowed In

WOW! Snow twice in a week in the south is unheard of! It sure is pretty though.

As I sit on my comfy couch and think I've decided something...I don't care what I have to go through to get a baby. I will survive whatever it is. I will be patient and know that in time, I will get my baby. I know that it may take a while, I'm ok with that. Yes, it still hurts to have lost one, but I'd do it again if it means going through that valley will lead me to the top. I am now 100% sure that I am ready to try again.
DH and I decided this morning that we would try harder now. How do you possibly do that?! I was a little down and I told him that I should have a big ol' belly and I should be 14 weeks. I'm ready for my journey. Well, as soon as my body is ready and willing to cooperate. I just have to get through the next 2 cycles. I'm still waiting for the first one!

Until next time...I will patiently wait with a heart full of hope.