Judgement

Before I had kids, I always thought that moms of more than one child were full of it when they said that it was hard to go back after baby number 2. I'm talking about weight, here people. I seriously thought they were just lazy and didn't want to lose weight or get healthier. Joke's on me...it IS harder. Everything is harder. I still only have 2 hands, 2 arms, 2 legs, 2 eyes...you get the picture. I'm still only ONE person but I have two people to take care of...sometimes simultaneously. I don't have time to exercise...not even a little bit. Sure, I have a gym membership but since before Christmas someone has been sick and now Parker has another ear infection and fever (he does weight 17lbs 5oz), which we found out today from the pedi. He's on antibiotics again. Poor little thing. Back to what I was saying, since we've all been sick (me included), we haven't been to the Y. They don't allow sick kids and that's fine with me because I certainly don't want my kids to get sick from someone else bringing the nastiness with them there. Eating healthy is also not as easy with 2 babies. Conner eats "toddler" foods. Of course he will eat fruit too but...and for me to eat some days it's just eating what I can eat holding one (ie, PB&j) while the other is yelling at me for one reason or another. To all the moms out there that I judged before I was a mom, I am sorry. It is hard; it's stressful and it's exhausting. I will get back to it and I will have my skinny self back but I just don't know when.

I did something today that I never thought I'd do. I was on the way to the pediatrician with Parker and I heard about a depression study on talk radio (yes, I'm old, I know). I quickly grabbed my phone and called to see if I would qualify. The "ad" mentioned some of the "symptoms" that I experience and that I have started to experience in the past month or so. I don't remember all of the things they mentioned but the 2 that stood out to me were "lack of motivation" and wondering if what I was feeling "was the meds or me". I spoke to a nice lady named Tiffany. She asked me a bunch of questions and I was honest, which was really hard. It's hard to put on a happy front all of the time but being that brutally honest was even harder. I know that if I am going to get the help that I need, I have to be honest. She said that she was going to pass my information on to one of the Drs that runs the study and they would give me a call if they thought that I could benefit from it. She also encouraged me to make an appt with my Dr. to discuss these things too. I already have one scheduled for Wednesday. I'm hoping we can come up with a plan or some changes that will help. I never thought I'd be in this place but I am and I'm trying my best to deal with it in a positive way. I don't know how good I'm doing with that though.  If I'm really honest with you ( and I think it's just Shannon reading this blog now since I moved it), no one in real life really knows how not good I'm doing ( I don't want to call it bad). I have to get better. It has to, right? You would think that it was. Parker is mobile (yep, he's CRAWLING at 6.5 months) and they play now but...I'm in a funky funk. blah.