"What are you having?"

This will be a rant. If you don't like rants, you should leave and not read this. I know that people are excited to find out genders of babies and that's the norm w/normal pregnancies. I do not have a normal pregnancy and do NOT care one single bit what we are having. Would a girl be nice? Sure, great change of pace, something new/different. A boy would be equally nice. I have boy clothes, toys and 2 other boys! That is NOT what I even think about with this pregnancy.

I am worried that this banding is in fact cutting this baby's body in half (there was one time during the 45min ultrasound where it looked like the banding was going diagonal across the baby's body). If that is the case, people, that is FATAL. The organs would only half way develop, all organs, including the heart. That means that I will have to tell 2 little boys, one who is very excited about a new baby, that we will not be getting a new baby in our house. how the hell am I supposed to break his heart like that? How would I even find the words? So gender, yea, it doesn't matter. What matters is that this baby is FINE, that this banding is not a bother. What matters is that at the end of this pregnancy we get a HEALTHY baby, not a baby boy or girl. I really hate how our society is more focused on gender than health. Actually, I think that health is taken for granted. Until you have to worry about an unborn baby's health, you don't know what that's like and it sucks. There's no easy way to say that but it does. Trying to not worry is hard. I was doing really great with not worrying but I saw Josh's face at the appointment. We have reasons to worry.

I feel like my whole pregnancy has been rid of excitement for me. Josh's brother told everyone that I was pregnant and I didn't even get to announce it; I had not even told my friends/family yet and he had gone off and blabbed his mouth. we know the gender. I'm not revealing until I WANT to. I wanted to do something cute. It's our last one and I thought it would be fun. My mil called Josh after my appt and he told her about the ultrasound. He did NOT use he or she but it and the baby. She called back later and asked why he used a specific pronoun. He did NOT use any pronouns and he fell for her trick. There goes my chance to do something fun to reveal. It really upsets me. She wanted to know why it had to be a 'big secret'. Josh told her I wanted to do something cute to announce it. His grandmother already knows what we're having and I'm sure so many other people already do too. I wanted the chance to announce a pregnancy as well as the gender and I hate that all of the 'fun' was taken out of it for me. I did take pics of my boys and post of fb. Maybe I'll do something cute anyway for gender? Idk. Probably not.That's my bitch fest for today. I feel better getting that off of my shoulders.