I can see the misery/depression when I look at my house. It's a wreck; there is laundry that needs to be put away, carpets need to be vacuumed and floors mopped. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch blogging. Conner is napping (and it's 5:33) on the other couch; he fell asleep in the car. Parker is crawling on the floor and playing happily. Yep, on the dirty, dog hair ridden floor. He's happy though and that's what matters, right? Don't get me wrong, there's nothing on the floor that will hurt him and I am watching him but I should be interacting with him. It makes me feel really crappy that at almost 6.5 months I still don't have a lot of motivation to do much. I did, however, get up and load the dishwasher and puree some baby food. I don't feel like cooking, entertaining any of Josh's ideas for "fun", doing anything. I just want to be left alone. I did drop my kids off today for a few hours and it was nice to be by myself. The plus side to that is I was ready to see them this afternoon. I think they were ready to see me too. I'm just tired of feeling this way and I know some people will say that it is all in my head; I assure you it is not.
>I felt EXACTLY like this for 16 months, then my son decided to wean himself off breastfeeding and within a few weeks I was back to my normal, pre-pregnancy self. I am honestly like a whole new person. Although I don't regret for a second breastfeeding him, and would have continued had he wanted it, in hindsight since he weaned I am a much better person, a much better mum and a much better wife. I had always suffered with PMS before I had my son, but after I had him, it was like I had permanent PMS. I realise now that my hormones control a lot of my emotions.I was actually speaking with a friend about this earlier who is training to be a midwife. She said that when your body is stressed through tiredness, not eating properly (breastfeeding is so demanding on the body), the first thing that goes are your emotions (like when a toddler gets cranky because he is hungry). She also suffered, and lost her relationship because of it. Now she looks after herself much better, making sure she eats properly and she says she is more equipped to deal with things better now (she is still nursing). Next time I'm going to make sure I look after myself properly when I am nursing as I will probably be an emotional wreck all over again, but at least next time I will know that it's not 'me'. I feel your pain, it's very easy to say all of this, but the practicalities of it are really quite different due to time constraints juggling two children and their schedules. Ooh she did mention that there are some herbal teas that can help balance hormones (I think she mentioned raspberry leaf, but check to see if you can drink this while nursing). And she also said that meditation can help which another friend of mine also said helped her too (she also had postpartum and still struggles now as she is still nursing.... we all bonded over our PPD!) Maybe there is a meditation app that you can download onto your ipod that you can listen to just before bed? I have a meditation CD that helps me when I need it.Also, don't feel bad about blogging- if it keeps you sane then do it. The internet is about the only place I can get personal space these days.One more thing- check out the Fly Lady website- it helped me a lot with dealing with the house. She says always to end the day with a clean sink which is such a simple thing, but psychologically it is huge. I still do it even now and probably will forever more. Little by little I managed to get on top of the housework again and am able to maintain it to a reasonable level. What also helped with the laundry was to sort it out into piles according to person, then fold it *in the room* of that person and that way it all got put away and didn't hang around again as folded piles. Again, simple thing, huge difference.Sorry, didn't mean to bombard you with advice, but I feel your sorrow exactly as I was there myself and these little things helped me out a lot. Hopefully you'll find your own little ways to get control back which will make you feel a lot better.
ReplyDelete>PS do your boys sleep in a stroller at all? I started running today (couch to 5k) and much to my delight Oliver fell asleep in the stroller (WOOT!), Could you put them in a double and go for a run as if they both fall asleep you might then get a little time to yourself too...??
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