>The Nitty Gritty

>Let's talk about something that isn't typically discussed and seems so taboo in our society. Postpartum Depression. Yep; I have it. I have never in my life had any issues with anxiety or depression. I have always just rolled with it, freaked out, vented and moved forward...then I found myself the mother of 2 gorgeous boys. I'm NOT sad or misreable. I'm completely overwhelmed and stressed out every single day. Someone needs something from me 24 hours a day. Yes it was that way with just Conner but at least I had nap time to get a break. Now,I don't. Conner is boycotting naps and when he does nap, Parker is awake. I'm not complaining, honest. I'm just stating the facts. I will say that 6mos ago I would have rolled my eyes at the very words I'm typing and thought "how hard could it be?". In my mind I was just adding one more kid and it was no big deal. Hello reality. It IS a big deal.

I called my OB on Monday b/c she put me on zoloft and I've been having some not so nice side effects. She put me off and told me to get a PCP. To say I was a little miffed is an understatement. I felt like she wasn't taking care of me, she prescribed the medication (that I honestly need and hate admitting that I need it) and yet she doesn't even want to deal with me. Thankfully, my sister in law (thanks Janice) praised her dr and I made an appt. I went in on Tuesday and we have a new plan. I'm weaning off of the zoloft and starting on celexa. I'm really hoping that the new medication works for me. I hate how I feel. I hate that I know I love being a mom but I'm not loving it. My kids are amazing and I adore them but...I don't have any motivation to get off of the couch to do anything. I need that back. They need me to have that back. I DO get off of the couch, I don't have a choice....they are demanding but I certainly don't want to. I want to want to. I want to want to go run, I want to want to go outside. There are moments that I want those things and I will go outside or I will play w/Conner but many times I just don't want to. I feel like everything is so difficult all the time. And maybe it's that way for everyone and I'm just being a baby? I don't know. I do know that I'm very anti-medication and I want this medicine. I want it to help me. Only time will tell...

I have been doing things to try to help myself. I got a great (really cute) new hair cut, I shower and get dressed every day. Some days I even put make up on. I've been making myself go to playgroup and I even hosted the halloween party here on Tuesday. All of those things are beneficial to me. I like the adult interaction and watching my kids play. It makes me feel more human and normal. I have decided that I'm going to join the YMCA. My kids are sick this week (which makes things extra fun) but as soon as they are well, we are going to use the free week to see how they (well mainly Conner) do. I'm excited about that. I need the exercise and it will give my kids time with other little kids. I think we will all win. There is even a mommy and me exercise class on Thursdays that I could take Conner to and that would be special time for just us. I like that. My photography has been picking up again and that gives me something for just me; I also like that. I'm trying.